Can't Imagine All the Support!!

Thank you everyone for hanging in there. Today I am off to the next and hopefully last inpatient portion of my journey. I'm entering a residential PTSD program for 45 days of intensive treatment.I know this is going to be tough, but I'm ready. There are many rules and restrictions but none that are going to make it to hard for me to abide by.

I'm sorry I have not been posting on a regular basis, its just hard sometimes when everyday is soul searching for me. I struggle with killing off Rod Barry and moving on to the next stage of my life. Most everyone knows I have been spilling my guts on this blog and sometimes it's hard. I will be posting from within the walls via telephone with my buddy Paul for the next 45 days so check in from time to time my dears.

I also have a big anouncement to make very soon.

Thanks again for your support!
Rod

A NEW MILESTONE

Hi guys,

Thank you for all your comments and support. Sorry I haven't been blogging much. I wanted to let you know that I'm okay. On July 5th I celebrated 6 months of sobriety and am continuing my rehab. I now have a job -- and am working everyday, going to meetings, and playing softball for my house.

A couple of weekends ago I went camping with my dad and some of my buds from here. Before that I went down to New York to see my friend Paul. We went to a Yankee game at the new stadium. Awesome.

I'm posting some pics so you could see that I've put on some weight and am taking care of my body.

What's Up, Peoples?

I am sorry once again for not posting in awhile. You guys deserve better. Thanks for all the love I have received.

So onward and upward as my old friend Mr. Forrest always said. I have been here for about a month and a half. I am having a little trouble getting used to the surroundings here. The house is a great house full of Vets, but smack dab in the middle of the ghetto. I have not had any issue here, but sometimes the PTSD kicks in and I get paranoid and start to panic. The food here is great and plentiful, easy to become overweight.

One thing I can say is that paperwork is getting done here. It has been a very long time since being responsible was a priority for me. It feels great and sometimes very stressful. For years I would just drink to avoid doing the shit I needed to take care of. Drive on I say.

My support group, which includes you all has been a blessing. I sometimes cry when thinking about the harm and neglect I bestowed upon the people that truly love me. I love everyone of you right back! I learned in this process the unless I'm honest with myself, you will never hear the truth from me. Baby steps...

I have been extremely lonely, looking to find the right combination of NA/AA meetings and extra curricular activities. My groove is out there and I know I will find it soon. Any suggestions? I need to find a sponsor as well.

Memorial day is this weekend and Paul got some really good Yankees tickets, yee haw. I need to get away once in while and look forward to camping this summer at Lake George on a regular basis.

Getting to work has a bit more difficult for me then first thought. My best wishes go out to all that are jobless. Things can only get better for all of us. Stay strong, Rod Barry loves you all.

LAST WORD: Up to 194 solid pounds now! Watch out for the piggy flu. Remember SARS, bird flue, West Nile, and that real killer lime disease. When these hit people they are serious, it just seems there is a scare of something about twice a year. Jerked-off last night, felt good. Once again, LOVE YA'LL.

ROD

I'm Back

Hi guys, sorry I've been out of touch lately. I've been busy. Moved into a new house in a new program. I'll update you all soon. I'm doing well. I've been sober for over a 100 days now.  Here are some new photos. 

Tough Love for Rod

Well, I'm closing in on my 90 days of sobriety. It'll be on the 4th of April. Right now, time seems almost frozen for me. Earlier, it seemed like I couldn't wait to get out of here and get on with my life, but now I'm marking anniversary dates of sobriety -- which is something I never would have ever thought of before. That it was even possible!

The GAYVNs are coming up this weekend. I don't even know who's nominated, what for or where. Any other time I'd be right on top of that. But now, I'm focusing on myself. I wish all the poeple nominated my whole-hearted congratulations -- for getting nominated. I know how many movies are made each year and how many porn actors there are ... and how hard it is to get recognized. So congrats again.

A lot of my classes are really beginning to kick-in -- one class in particular, the self-esteem class. Now I know that sounds kind of weird. A self-esteem class!? We recently did an exercise in that class, where your teammates rate you on different characteristics of esteem, things like 'confidence.' Listing the characteristics of good self-esteem on one side, and the traits of low self-esteem on the other. I suggested that we just put the same list on both sides and rate each characteristic 'yes' or 'no.' "No confidence" is bad self-esteem.

I was suprised by how my peers viewed me. They all rated me as being 'confident, and 'assured' -- all really, really good things. That was how they judged me. Like I had the best self-esteem in the history of the world. They don't really know me well enough to do that. That's just what's on the outside, that's the signal I give off. Like I'm the Man or something like that, just because I walk with confidence. If that were the case, I wouldn't taking the fucking class!

For years, I've had low self-esteem. It didn't matter how good or great or awesome anyone told me I was. I still needed to be TOLD -- because I had low self-esteem. I needed people to tell me good things about me because I felt that way.

I went to an A.A. meeting in town the other night and there was this guy there. His name is G__. He's had 45 years of sobriety. He quit drinking in 1963! That's fucking amazing. I've seen at meetings for a couple of weeks now. I always thought he was a prick, a real conceited guy, a lonely angry person. So at the meeting the other night I spilled my coffee all over the table. I wiped up what was on the table and went to clean up underneath the table. The guy sitting next to me said, "Don't worry about it, wait until after the meeting." So I'm fine, "Okay." But this dipshit motherfucker -- he's a regular at that meeting -- he gets up, grabs the paper towels, jumps over the table, right in front of everybody and throws the paper towels on the puddle of coffee and tries to mop it up. Was he fucking kidding me? I got up real quick and I just wiped it up real, real quick. I'm thinking, "This guy's a fool." Everyone could tell it really angered me -- because it was so ridiculous. That's part of my PTSD, it just makes me snap when somebody tries to make me look foolish or tells me what to do. After the meeting everyone is telling me, "It's no big deal." I know's it no big deal, but that's not the point.

But in the meeting, G___ had made a very good point. He talked about the 'wants' and 'needs' of sobriety. "I want to be sober." or "I want to get a life." "I want to be healthy." "I want people to look at me in different way." The simple is that people have been telling what I 'want' to hear for the last 15 years of my life. "Oh you're so great" -- because I had low self-esteem. G___ said, "This is not a want program. I don't care if you want sobriety. The point is that you need it."

For the last 15 years, many people have been telling me what I want to hear, not what I needed to hear. I almost never had anyone be brutally honest with me. People told me that I did this or that when I'm drinking. But that wasn't what I needed to hear. I needed tough love and no one gave me tough love. I will remember G___'s point for the rest of my life. I can't just be the person who 'wants,' 'wants, wants,' and 'wants.' I need it all, but I am going to have to work for it. It's not going to be handed to me.

Portrait of a Boozed-Out Porn Star

I've always been a little self-conscious about being skinny (picture above). But right now I'm doing well as far as my weight goes. I weigh 187 lbs. That's the most I've weighted in a long time -- and it's in all the right places, thank god. Now when I look in the mirror I am actually proud about how I look and how I feel. I will get one of my friends up here to take some pictures of how I look and put them up on the blog.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I want to apologize to everyone -- all my fans, all the companies that I worked for -- I personally feel that in the last two years I should never have in front of the camera because of the way that I looked. I looked rough, like street trash, literally like I've been drinking and doing drugs and nothing else. I was drinking before doing scenes. The alcohol de-hydrated me, messed up my sleep.

I was angry and impatient all the time -- thinking "Oh, I've been doing this shit for so many years, why is this taking so long." Like I was paying to make the movie, like I agreed to do something that would take 4 hours, knowing all the while that I could do it in 45 minutes. I acted like a bitch a lot of the time. Thank god, I'm good at fucking because I sure as hell didn't look that great! What's strange is that companies are still calling me for work. I must have received at least 10 calls for scenes while I've been up here. It's not for looks I guess, it's for personality, good acting, and good fucking, good old-fashioned fucking.

I knew when I was doing those scenes that I didn't look good because a lot of them were for very low-budget companies that paid me dogshit money, but I was so addicted to alcohol that I didn't care what I did to get money to buy booze. I don't think I ever said no to any job in the last few few years. And some of them were downright nasty. When it comes down to it, I was nothing but a boozed-out alcoholic porn star living from paycheck to paycheck.

I don't know what else to say about that, but that I'm sorry. I promise I will make it up. When I'm back in front of the camera, I will look better and fuck better than when I first started in this business. After all this, I'm still in the mix. Bound Gods at kink.com and other companies want me back. My goal is to perform across 4 decades. I'll defintely make it to the next decade, but I want to be fucking in front of the camera when I'm fifty. That's my goal.

The Perfect Snore

I'm in my fifth week now and in the short time here I'm getting more accomplished -- as far as being responsible about life -- than I have in the last 15 years. It's pretty amazing how clear the pictures are when you're sober. So I'm chugging along, day by day, one day at a time.

I got a new roommate today. The old one was a psychopath who couldn't handle my snoring .. and last night he practically snapped. I tossed him a pair of ear plugs and said, "Here man, you can use these." But this morning, he threw another fit. Either he's not smart enough to figure it out or he doesn't have have enough balls to ask for a new room. So this morning, I went and found out that there were 3 beds open in other rooms. So I sent him down there after I had talked to dorm guy. It was as easy as that. I told him to do that a week ago. Apparently he just wanted something to bitch about. What you do expect from a schlub. I just poked my head in the room and my new roommate sounds like he's cuttiung down redwoods. Well, I guess he won't be complaining about me!