Portrait of a Boozed-Out Porn Star

I've always been a little self-conscious about being skinny (picture above). But right now I'm doing well as far as my weight goes. I weigh 187 lbs. That's the most I've weighted in a long time -- and it's in all the right places, thank god. Now when I look in the mirror I am actually proud about how I look and how I feel. I will get one of my friends up here to take some pictures of how I look and put them up on the blog.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, I want to apologize to everyone -- all my fans, all the companies that I worked for -- I personally feel that in the last two years I should never have in front of the camera because of the way that I looked. I looked rough, like street trash, literally like I've been drinking and doing drugs and nothing else. I was drinking before doing scenes. The alcohol de-hydrated me, messed up my sleep.

I was angry and impatient all the time -- thinking "Oh, I've been doing this shit for so many years, why is this taking so long." Like I was paying to make the movie, like I agreed to do something that would take 4 hours, knowing all the while that I could do it in 45 minutes. I acted like a bitch a lot of the time. Thank god, I'm good at fucking because I sure as hell didn't look that great! What's strange is that companies are still calling me for work. I must have received at least 10 calls for scenes while I've been up here. It's not for looks I guess, it's for personality, good acting, and good fucking, good old-fashioned fucking.

I knew when I was doing those scenes that I didn't look good because a lot of them were for very low-budget companies that paid me dogshit money, but I was so addicted to alcohol that I didn't care what I did to get money to buy booze. I don't think I ever said no to any job in the last few few years. And some of them were downright nasty. When it comes down to it, I was nothing but a boozed-out alcoholic porn star living from paycheck to paycheck.

I don't know what else to say about that, but that I'm sorry. I promise I will make it up. When I'm back in front of the camera, I will look better and fuck better than when I first started in this business. After all this, I'm still in the mix. Bound Gods at kink.com and other companies want me back. My goal is to perform across 4 decades. I'll defintely make it to the next decade, but I want to be fucking in front of the camera when I'm fifty. That's my goal.